This morning was so hard. I awoke before 5:30, tried to go back to sleep. At 5:45 I noted that I was having an extraordinarily long hot flash. I had my teensy fan on in this cold house, and I got too cold but I was still in the middle of my hot flash; I put my blankets on, but was still too hot. Too cold, too hot. I could neither get warm nor cool down; a very strange and discomforting experience. Then my thoughts from there spiraled down, down, down. I was thinking terrible things, but then I would find one of the good thoughts I have learned, trying to counter and banish the bad ones; back and forth. I had about six negative thoughts to one positive thought. I felt like I couldn’t quit ‘win,’ but I wasn’t ‘losing.’ I didn’t quite see this as a victory, though. It just felt so bad, some really bad thoughts.
At 6:30 I got up and made coffee. I came back to bed, and even though I didn’t feel like going through my ritual of meditating, positive affirmations, and visualizing – they all felt so pointless and stupid – I did it anyway. In the back of my mind, I was remembering that throughout my life – all 58 ½ years – I have quit something because of depression symptoms; I have quit trying because I felt so bad, really, really bad; and always, always, then felt worse. But also always, things got better, whether in a month or six, or a year or two, they got better and I got past the depression. Then, I was so grateful to be rid of such despondency that the lack of the bad feelings felt like life could not get better. I would not take up the effort for whatever ambition I had quit pursuing (college, writing, exercising, dancing, singing, personal growth of any kind).
So this morning, in an intuitive, non-logical way that was in the back of my mind, I remembered this old, familiar pattern and went ahead with my ritual. I didn’t keep on track really well during the meditation, but I kept re-directing my thoughts back. When doing my affirmations, I felt like a liar, but I would put that thought to the back with a loving, silent “shhhhsh;” the visualization was short, but I was able to pull up a bit of the ‘feeling’ of having achieved my desired goal. I kept pushing back at the negative.
And lo, all of a sudden I felt like, “screw you, everyday, everybody-else-world; you’re not dictating to me what I can and cannot bring to my life!” So the downward spiral was stopped. With energy, I started upward in a new spiral. Not soaring heights, but up, nonetheless.
So – am I going to suddenly leap great inner hurdles and overcome things I haven’t been able to before? I dunno – one day, one moment at a time. Was a dark, dysfunctional pattern broken? It was today.
Therefore, I go on with my Gratitude Journal.
1. I am so very grateful for my teachers – too many to name all (and some I am vaguely aware of but can’t quite remember names or faces) – authors John Assaraf, James Arthur Ray, Sarah Ban Breathnach, Kevin Hall; my son Michael, and all my children, Nathan, Megan, Shawn, Jessica, Toni; my young nieces and nephews who contribute to the greater good, my sister Roni, my mother. So many!
2. I’m grateful for my perfect health.
3. I’m grateful for 2nd chances, and 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc., etc.
4. I’m grateful for my warm home, for good, healthful food.
5. I’m grateful for my beautiful, perfect, purple car.
6. I’m grateful for Unemployment Insurance.
7. I’m grateful for old friends, and new.
See the following Link: http://thepinkbookclub.blogspot.com/
Victoria J Mecham
As your 'past shaman', I truly believe as you are going through the renewing, re-growth and the awakening of new awareness, you will be dragged down through the enemys War of Art. This is what he does. You have been dragged down by him many times before, so you are now in his book. The book he keeps on everyone. The book of reminders - where individuals weakness are, and the reminders of what he can do to trigger those weaknesses. This book holds all the statistics on you. On everyone. This is how he gets a strong hold on each one of us through out our lives. ANY time you are reaching upward, whether it be to Spirit, or physical, be it personal financial or philanthropic - whatever your "Art" - the enemy will do everything he can to declare war on you.
ReplyDeleteYou, my sweet sister have begun down the path to defeat the enemy by lifting yourself up! High up! Will the enemy let go? Oh Glory No! His attacks will continue and most likely become stronger, but you have the power to completely defeat enemy. You have the strength to rewrite your chapter.
Love You B-toria
God Bless
Gaylie
I love you, Ginger-Myrt (or am I myrt?). B-toria. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. And how wonderful to know that at some point in your falling down moment, you remembered that you are strong and wonderful!
ReplyDeleteI too do have my dark moments, my most piteous of pity parties!! for me it is essential that I feel whatever I am feeling, and sometimes really wallow in the 'poor poor pitiful me' part. I give myself a time limit; the amount of time depends on how really awful I'm feeling. More awful, longer time. Only slightly awful, less time. But I spend that time quite productively, whining to myself, grumbling, justifying all the 'how awful this is' thoughts. Then, when the time limit is up, I'm able to laugh at myself, and feel better. (Maximum time for pity party is 48 hours!) I find that in the process of thinking the negative thoughts, I begin remembering the opposite, positive side of things and that seems to pick me up. I guess that is sort of a 'mental gratitude journal'.
Love you! T.
That is an interesting way to deal with 'down' time. (Pun, kinda). I, in fact, spent much of summer doing something similar, after Nate gave me 'permission' to *feel* what was happening. But it's gotta end soon. This is just not feeling good. Hating it. V
ReplyDeleteIf you don't 'feel' what is happening, it is impossible to work through it, walk through it. Instead one spends the time denying it, ignoring it; sort of like trying to ignore a stubbed toe! My down times used to be much longer, when I played the "fine-fine-everything-is-fine' game. Wonder where we learned to play that one so well?
ReplyDeleteOnce I learned to understand what I was actually feeling, and honored my feelings, and became willing to experience whatever the feelings were (which is often really ouch-y) the 'down times' became shorter; I think simply because I was determined to really FEEL, not pretend to feel something else. So, not as much time was spent trying to run away from pain but to just experience it, evaluate it, work it through and let it go. But yes, sometimes I still have to give myself 'pout and stamp my feet' time. T.
Many times the only way out is through. And Mike told me once "Moderation in everything, and moderation in moderation." Sometimes it really is good for you to binge and purge.
ReplyDelete