Many years ago I received an email called “Guys’ Rules” and I rebutted it, and sent it out. I think this rebuttal still applies. This would be funny, except I'm too old for the Guy Headgames. The kind of man who would find these 'rules' acceptable wouldn't appeal to me much. There are a few funny ones, though. But since I'm the one rebutting this, you are certainly entitled to my opinion! (Oh, and the rebuttals are done in 'cranberry').
Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Rebuttal: OK - this definitely rates an "oh, wah!" Not only should a male be able to put down the toilet seat AND the lid, he should be able to clean the toilet!
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Rebuttal: Fine, I understand this. And Saturday is bubblebath, lunch with the girls, pamper myself day. Deal with it.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Rebuttal: Correct. It isn't a sport. Quite frankly, I don't care if I shop with a man. I don't always like shopping anyway, with a man or one of the girls, or even by myself. However, if you don't like what I buy after I've been shopping, this is another "oh wah!"
1. Crying is blackmail.
Rebuttal: Only a terribly insensitive and insecure person would think this way.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Rebuttal: I like this one. I think it means that if we're very specific in stating what we want, we'll get it.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Rebuttal: Hmmm. Not totally correct. However, if I'm asked a question, "because" is a perfectly acceptable answer.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Rebuttal: Does this mean men know all the answers? This one sounds (again...still?) unbelievably arrogant!
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Rebuttal: Well, duh! But perhaps this falls under that 'ask for what you want' category. Something like "I don't want you,” or, “I'm not in the mood,” or, “You're really a jerk sometimes, go away,” or, “You need to learn some basic lovemaking skills.” OK, all you girls get the idea.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
Rebuttal: Ooh, I don't think so! For some comments you'd better be apologizing if said comments are ever to be forgiven, let alone become null and void!
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rebuttal: Know what? I've never had a man in my life who acted like a soap opera guy! Oh, sure, a couple who thought they could...or did...but minus the careful grooming, the perfectly chiseled face, the perfect clothes, and the perfectly created dialog.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Rebuttal: ….
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Rebuttal: OK, I admit it. This one is funny.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Rebuttal: Sheesh! This sounds like one of my sons in a petulant, testosterone-poisoned stage.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rebuttal: Do you think a man with this attitude would even hear it if you said (during a commercial of course), “Oh, by the way, I'm leaving you.” Nah, probably not.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
Rebuttal: OK, this one is funny too. Considering that Christopher ended up thousands of miles from where he thought he was going.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Rebuttal: Extremely funny. I knew a fellow who helped do the ads for the men's department in a large store. They frequently advertised "pewter" and "pine" as colors, especially for phone orders, because they thought that if they ran out of one color, they could send just about anything, because no one knew what pewter or pine was.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
Rebuttal: Yup!
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Rebuttal: Fair enough. Again, this falls under the "ask for what you want category". So if a man asks what is wrong, tell him. He can deal with it.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Rebuttal: Why would we ask a question to which we don't want an answer?
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... Really.
Rebuttal: Oh, sure, I've heard this one before!
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Rebuttal: No, really, I do expect men to be able to discuss more than this!
1. You have enough clothes.
Rebuttal: Hilarious! Especially since one of my closet poles fell down today!
1. You have too many shoes.
Rebuttal: No, I do not.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Rebuttal: Yes, this one is funny.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Rebuttal: Ok, this is definitely the best!
Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Rebuttal: OK - this definitely rates an "oh, wah!" Not only should a male be able to put down the toilet seat AND the lid, he should be able to clean the toilet!
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Rebuttal: Fine, I understand this. And Saturday is bubblebath, lunch with the girls, pamper myself day. Deal with it.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Rebuttal: Correct. It isn't a sport. Quite frankly, I don't care if I shop with a man. I don't always like shopping anyway, with a man or one of the girls, or even by myself. However, if you don't like what I buy after I've been shopping, this is another "oh wah!"
1. Crying is blackmail.
Rebuttal: Only a terribly insensitive and insecure person would think this way.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Rebuttal: I like this one. I think it means that if we're very specific in stating what we want, we'll get it.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Rebuttal: Hmmm. Not totally correct. However, if I'm asked a question, "because" is a perfectly acceptable answer.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Rebuttal: Does this mean men know all the answers? This one sounds (again...still?) unbelievably arrogant!
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Rebuttal: Well, duh! But perhaps this falls under that 'ask for what you want' category. Something like "I don't want you,” or, “I'm not in the mood,” or, “You're really a jerk sometimes, go away,” or, “You need to learn some basic lovemaking skills.” OK, all you girls get the idea.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
Rebuttal: Ooh, I don't think so! For some comments you'd better be apologizing if said comments are ever to be forgiven, let alone become null and void!
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rebuttal: Know what? I've never had a man in my life who acted like a soap opera guy! Oh, sure, a couple who thought they could...or did...but minus the careful grooming, the perfectly chiseled face, the perfect clothes, and the perfectly created dialog.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Rebuttal: ….
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Rebuttal: OK, I admit it. This one is funny.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Rebuttal: Sheesh! This sounds like one of my sons in a petulant, testosterone-poisoned stage.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rebuttal: Do you think a man with this attitude would even hear it if you said (during a commercial of course), “Oh, by the way, I'm leaving you.” Nah, probably not.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
Rebuttal: OK, this one is funny too. Considering that Christopher ended up thousands of miles from where he thought he was going.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Rebuttal: Extremely funny. I knew a fellow who helped do the ads for the men's department in a large store. They frequently advertised "pewter" and "pine" as colors, especially for phone orders, because they thought that if they ran out of one color, they could send just about anything, because no one knew what pewter or pine was.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
Rebuttal: Yup!
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Rebuttal: Fair enough. Again, this falls under the "ask for what you want category". So if a man asks what is wrong, tell him. He can deal with it.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Rebuttal: Why would we ask a question to which we don't want an answer?
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... Really.
Rebuttal: Oh, sure, I've heard this one before!
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Rebuttal: No, really, I do expect men to be able to discuss more than this!
1. You have enough clothes.
Rebuttal: Hilarious! Especially since one of my closet poles fell down today!
1. You have too many shoes.
Rebuttal: No, I do not.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Rebuttal: Yes, this one is funny.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Rebuttal: Ok, this is definitely the best!
From Teri G. Mecham (kinship not stated to protect the innocent).
The editors do not necessarily agree with the statements in this post (except the one about the clothes and the one about the shoes).
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