It's been a while since I've posted anything, so I just figured it was about time to do so again. I have been busy from time to time so I couldn't share my wonderful insights when I wanted to. So this might be a bit long and strange, but it could be entertaining, possibly enlightening, or it will just be a bunch of rambling that means nothing. Read on and you be the judge.
I found myself feeling very strange earlier this week. I couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly, and I really had to stop everything I was doing and examine what it could be. It wasn't the flu, I had just gotten over that. I thought maybe it was my diet, but that is an area I really do pretty well in. So I just went about my business as usual, (or unusual as it goes with me) which at the time was meeting with several people at different times to try and coordinate and plan the party of the year, the third annual Mustache March Gala. (More about this party in another post.) And this feeling wouldn't go away. I went on about my day, did a little heavy reading, and went to bed. The following day, shortly after waking up I still felt the strange feeling but kept going about my business figuring it would come to me when the time was right. Well that time was right around noon after I'd had a strange conversation with a good friend about life in general. I suddenly realized that what I was feeling was humility. I expressed this to some people and got a variety of funny responses and one serious one. The response I got most was people asking if it had to do with a woman. I smiled and responded, no. But this was a very foreign feeling to me, much like an altered state. I'm not a humble man as a general rule. I'm pompous, arrogant, and cocky. As many who know me well have stated, I'm egomaniacal, and I'm ok with it. But this feeling humble thing was also strangely pleasant, so I decided to just roll with it. It truly did feel like an altered state, a bit like one feels when they are a little tipsy combined with an almost psychedelic feeling of wonderment and awe about the entire world. Yet I still had my full mental capacities intact, and at my disposal. It was just the absence of ego for a prolonged period of time wasn't a feeling I was familiar with. It has now been 4 days and this feeling of humility is still with me. Though it has waxed and waned a bit, it has for the most part remained intact. And I've decided I like it. I find I have a much easier time remaining calm and centered. Everything seems to flow a bit smoother in this state of mind, though problems still arise. The problems don't ruin my day, or cause me to stress if I remember this feeling and embrace it. As to why this feeling came about, I'm not exactly sure. My only guess is that my past came to pay a visit during the party planning. I will try to explain.
My past is pretty to colorful, to put it mildly, and I really don't think this is the forum to air it in. Let's just say that if you made a movie of my life up till now it would be rated NC-17 at least. I have realized this for some time and decide about 2 years ago that I wanted a different rating for my life. So I have taken many steps to try and accomplish this goal, and it hasn't been easy. The world I was a part of doesn't like to let go of people like me very easily. And I have run back into the people who are part of this many times, and they are always greeting me with open arms and ready to roll out the red carpet and throw a parade if I say the words, I'm back. And to be truthful, I've been tempted to do just that many times. I even thought I could come back to it for just 2 months and get right back out. That 2 months ended in disaster and I was lucky to walk away alive. So while planning this party I've run into some of the same crowd I used to run with and they have taken an interest of sorts in the mustache gala. They are opportunists and I have always been good at creating opportunities of a certain type. I have realized this and have resisted for a long time, but if you walk along a cliff edge long enough you will fall off. I'm very aware of this and just hadn't been able to quite figure out a way to put it all to rest. Then I felt that feeling of humility I spoke of earlier and I have been examining why I suddenly feel it now and to what end? I have come up with an answer, and it is a very simple one. Because I was ready for it. My ego served me very well in the past, but now it's time for something else. Something better. And I have found just the tool I need, or it found me. Either way I will use this new found humility to move forward and cope with life in a different way. My purpose has changed so I need different tools to achieve the end I've set my heart on. I will not say what that is right here and now because I follow a philosophy of never revealing your full or true intent to others until you are sure of accomplishing it.
So even at this moment as I sit here and reflect back, I realize my ego is very much alive but it has taken a back seat and this feeling of calm certainty has the reigns now. I know the world I was once a part of will keep trying to get me back, but I won't give in to the pull or desire to go back. To many it will seem that I'm giving up everything, and in a sense they are correct. But everything I'm giving up is to make way for something much better and long lasting. And I will have no regrets about this. I will miss some of the people that I've come to love, but what I realize is that I can love them still even if I never see them again. Love in that world is conditional quite often, and I've felt the difference many times. Basically it boils down to this. Do you choose life or death? I chose the culture of death for a very long time and enticed many who would have otherwise chosen differently into this world. Now I choose life. This is a new path for me so I can't tell you much about the journey so far, but I'm sure I'll tell you all about it along the way. And I'm pretty sure my ego is still going to put it's two cents in as well.
I found myself feeling very strange earlier this week. I couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly, and I really had to stop everything I was doing and examine what it could be. It wasn't the flu, I had just gotten over that. I thought maybe it was my diet, but that is an area I really do pretty well in. So I just went about my business as usual, (or unusual as it goes with me) which at the time was meeting with several people at different times to try and coordinate and plan the party of the year, the third annual Mustache March Gala. (More about this party in another post.) And this feeling wouldn't go away. I went on about my day, did a little heavy reading, and went to bed. The following day, shortly after waking up I still felt the strange feeling but kept going about my business figuring it would come to me when the time was right. Well that time was right around noon after I'd had a strange conversation with a good friend about life in general. I suddenly realized that what I was feeling was humility. I expressed this to some people and got a variety of funny responses and one serious one. The response I got most was people asking if it had to do with a woman. I smiled and responded, no. But this was a very foreign feeling to me, much like an altered state. I'm not a humble man as a general rule. I'm pompous, arrogant, and cocky. As many who know me well have stated, I'm egomaniacal, and I'm ok with it. But this feeling humble thing was also strangely pleasant, so I decided to just roll with it. It truly did feel like an altered state, a bit like one feels when they are a little tipsy combined with an almost psychedelic feeling of wonderment and awe about the entire world. Yet I still had my full mental capacities intact, and at my disposal. It was just the absence of ego for a prolonged period of time wasn't a feeling I was familiar with. It has now been 4 days and this feeling of humility is still with me. Though it has waxed and waned a bit, it has for the most part remained intact. And I've decided I like it. I find I have a much easier time remaining calm and centered. Everything seems to flow a bit smoother in this state of mind, though problems still arise. The problems don't ruin my day, or cause me to stress if I remember this feeling and embrace it. As to why this feeling came about, I'm not exactly sure. My only guess is that my past came to pay a visit during the party planning. I will try to explain.
My past is pretty to colorful, to put it mildly, and I really don't think this is the forum to air it in. Let's just say that if you made a movie of my life up till now it would be rated NC-17 at least. I have realized this for some time and decide about 2 years ago that I wanted a different rating for my life. So I have taken many steps to try and accomplish this goal, and it hasn't been easy. The world I was a part of doesn't like to let go of people like me very easily. And I have run back into the people who are part of this many times, and they are always greeting me with open arms and ready to roll out the red carpet and throw a parade if I say the words, I'm back. And to be truthful, I've been tempted to do just that many times. I even thought I could come back to it for just 2 months and get right back out. That 2 months ended in disaster and I was lucky to walk away alive. So while planning this party I've run into some of the same crowd I used to run with and they have taken an interest of sorts in the mustache gala. They are opportunists and I have always been good at creating opportunities of a certain type. I have realized this and have resisted for a long time, but if you walk along a cliff edge long enough you will fall off. I'm very aware of this and just hadn't been able to quite figure out a way to put it all to rest. Then I felt that feeling of humility I spoke of earlier and I have been examining why I suddenly feel it now and to what end? I have come up with an answer, and it is a very simple one. Because I was ready for it. My ego served me very well in the past, but now it's time for something else. Something better. And I have found just the tool I need, or it found me. Either way I will use this new found humility to move forward and cope with life in a different way. My purpose has changed so I need different tools to achieve the end I've set my heart on. I will not say what that is right here and now because I follow a philosophy of never revealing your full or true intent to others until you are sure of accomplishing it.
So even at this moment as I sit here and reflect back, I realize my ego is very much alive but it has taken a back seat and this feeling of calm certainty has the reigns now. I know the world I was once a part of will keep trying to get me back, but I won't give in to the pull or desire to go back. To many it will seem that I'm giving up everything, and in a sense they are correct. But everything I'm giving up is to make way for something much better and long lasting. And I will have no regrets about this. I will miss some of the people that I've come to love, but what I realize is that I can love them still even if I never see them again. Love in that world is conditional quite often, and I've felt the difference many times. Basically it boils down to this. Do you choose life or death? I chose the culture of death for a very long time and enticed many who would have otherwise chosen differently into this world. Now I choose life. This is a new path for me so I can't tell you much about the journey so far, but I'm sure I'll tell you all about it along the way. And I'm pretty sure my ego is still going to put it's two cents in as well.
Pompous, arrogant and cocky just jumped out at me, and made me laugh! As your mom, I know this aspect. You forgot to add frequently grumpy! However, I have to say, you've never been one to wake up grumpy, which is a blessing. Eli, on the other hand, has been a morning grump since he was born. Not so wonderful! This more serious post is the Jon I know, and I'm so glad to see it reappearing! thanks! Love, Mom
ReplyDeleteLoved hearing from you, Jon. And love this post! Happy to have you 'back'. Victoria
ReplyDeleteI don't know you well enough to say whether you're pompous, arrogant or egomaniacal, but it's great that Terry agrees. Moms are good for things like that.
ReplyDeleteI also don't know your history. I read over your blog a few times, trying to extract more information from it, but you were careful not to divulge too much. So, without knowing the extent of what you're talking about, whatever imbalances we create in ourselves, either from lack of sleep or from injesting something that changes your brain chemistry, it takes time to reestablish balance. As in - up to 2 years time for somethings. If you were "lucky to walk away alive" then my guess is you need a lot more time to balance out.
Maybe it's not humility... Maybe it's a brain imbalance dude. Or maybe maturity. Or not. It's hard to say since we are being purposely vague.
Regardless, I totally enjoyed your post. It was in fact both entertaining and enlightening. And rambling too. Just like my comment.
XOX
Alice
Very entertaining Alice. I have to tell you that my entrance into the vague world which we are speaking of started at your wedding. That was the first time I drank, and I thought it was kind of enjoyable. Just thought you might find this kind of interesting, or not.
ReplyDeleteAs for being imbalanced, I'm not sure that is the case anymore. A little bit crazy maybe, but just the right amount. If you really want to know the entire story you will just have to wait for the movie to come out.
Jonathan--it sounds like you have started on a great journey. Life teaches us when we are ready and open to it. It's liberating to let go of ego, although I don't let go very easily-I do know it's a great feeling! Life is all about choice--to choose love...or not...
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
Lots of Love (my version of LOL)
Julie